So. An interesting thing came up lately. I was told by someone very close to me that I am uptight and don't choose to see things in a positive light. Mind you, this was said in regard to a situation that's been very heartbreaking for me. But the thing is, it happened over a year ago. But it kinda shattered my world and it seems that the people that are involved in the fallout over a year ago are still around...and it's tough to see them. I guess the only person that would really understand this is me... I can't expect anyone else to really know why I feel how I feel. It just sucks when you feel like it's possible that no one will see what you see or justify how you feel. Makes me feel really alone. The kind of thing that makes me cry at night when no one is awake to know.
I'm not a nutty person. I lead a normal, mommy life with a husband, parents who are aging, and some close family. But I recently have lost or been distanced with people who I once called my family. How do you let go of people or the idea of what you had with people after knowing them at least half your life? It's always possible that I need to let go of what's happened... but when 'letting it go' or going with how it is now goes against how I feel true friends or family should be... aren't I compromising myself? Maybe it's just a sign of the times- growing apart. How could people ever maintain a realtionship over time if they don't grow together. Everyone changes over time. I guess its just a matter of who changes with you...or believes in you so much that they hang in there when things are rough...or show they care when things go awry. Don't get me wrong, I am willing to find a way to accept these people. You can't erase history. And reminiscing with old friends is fun. But when it hurts to reminisce cuz you miss it... maybe it just takes time to heal- and hopefully understanding people to guide you through the healing process.
But for now, I cry a lil sometimes...cuz I miss those people, cuz I wish those close to me would understand not why I hurt but that I do hurt no matter the reason, and cuz I wish I had my comfortable, stable support system back- people to rely on. But it may be time to adjust that system. Every system needs tweaking sometimes. I just hope I don't lose faith in the system in general. I just want peace.
