To analyze or overanalyze?

So. An interesting thing came up lately. I was told by someone very close to me that I am uptight and don't choose to see things in a positive light. Mind you, this was said in regard to a situation that's been very heartbreaking for me. But the thing is, it happened over a year ago. But it kinda shattered my world and it seems that the people that are involved in the fallout over a year ago are still around...and it's tough to see them. I guess the only person that would really understand this is me... I can't expect anyone else to really know why I feel how I feel. It just sucks when you feel like it's possible that no one will see what you see or justify how you feel. Makes me feel really alone. The kind of thing that makes me cry at night when no one is awake to know.

I'm not a nutty person. I lead a normal, mommy life with a husband, parents who are aging, and some close family. But I recently have lost or been distanced with people who I once called my family. How do you let go of people or the idea of what you had with people after knowing them at least half your life? It's always possible that I need to let go of what's happened... but when 'letting it go' or going with how it is now goes against how I feel true friends or family should be... aren't I compromising myself? Maybe it's just a sign of the times- growing apart. How could people ever maintain a realtionship over time if they don't grow together. Everyone changes over time. I guess its just a matter of who changes with you...or believes in you so much that they hang in there when things are rough...or show they care when things go awry. Don't get me wrong, I am willing to find a way to accept these people. You can't erase history. And reminiscing with old friends is fun. But when it hurts to reminisce cuz you miss it... maybe it just takes time to heal- and hopefully understanding people to guide you through the healing process.

But for now, I cry a lil sometimes...cuz I miss those people, cuz I wish those close to me would understand not why I hurt but that I do hurt no matter the reason, and cuz I wish I had my comfortable, stable support system back- people to rely on. But it may be time to adjust that system. Every system needs tweaking sometimes. I just hope I don't lose faith in the system in general. I just want peace.

Monday is not my friend

Work took on a new dimension when I managed flub up every- single- thing I did today. I told people reports were late when they were early, missed meetings I had put on my calendar just this morning, and printed many things that I realized I already printed. This is so unlike me and I don't like this!!! Call it a Monday Madness if you will, but I just can't beleieve how much l sucked today. I did not rock. I was not awesome. It is not OK! Not on a normal basis anyway.

But I suppose there is a key point to make here. Everyone is allowed this kind of day every once in a while. It's an off day, I get it. But the second his becomes a habit I will officially deem myself "stupid" or "losin it" and will include myself in the category of those people I would never want to work with because their stupidity makes me question the meaning of common sense.

Until then, I hope Tuesday is my friend.

30 things for 2010

To commemorate my 30th year of life, I have decided to make a list of 30 things I want to accomplish this year. They aren't resolutions...just more of a 30th year list kicked into gear for the new year. As for the list, maybe it would be better for the accomplishment factor if I reveal the list as I complete things. Also provides an element of surprise...

It's gonna be a great year, no matter what gets in my way!

...almost ready to sleep

So tired, but can't sleep. Today is our Monica's bday! She's had a rough year so she needs to celebrate this bday! It's a new or different beginning to a new year n I hope it's filled with more excitement and reminders of a good future more than its disappointments. Happy bday Monica! Hope we can celebrate soon!

What is a day in the daily grind without small goals or hopes for the day? Normal boring Wednesday- n what will make it fun? Good breakfast,lots of accomplishment, and one thing in the day that makes me giggle. Could it be DD and the dinner talk? Them crazy local folks on kccn...or a small happening on my way to or from work. I have a job, a wonderful family, a house to live in, good health, and only room go up from here :D

Gotta stay positive to face the gruel of the grind.

Letting go

I guess life is like a series of cycles of new encounters, forming a bond, and then letting go. Some with longer cycles than others. There are continuous waves of new reality that one must get used to throughout life. For example, family members are there from birth and remain a family member thru death. The relationship may change and even be absent at times. But there is this constant understanding that they can be called upon no matter what. Sometimes our friends are our family. I've started to change my perspective on that...if you're lucky enough to find a friend that you can categorize as family, hold on to them. And fight for that rare friendship. Never let the other fight for it alone. Cherish that friendship for as long as you have it cuz u don't know when it may be gone...I'll just leave it at that...

To blog or not to blog…

In the past few years, I have rarely blogged. I found that there was little to no time…or all I had to talk about were my little frustrations or random thoughts during the day. But over time, I’ve realized- that’s kinda what keeps the day interesting. Those little thoughts and feelings are what make each day different instead of same thing, different day. In the interest of keeping my brain moving, I’ve decided to refresh my blog for my own benefit. Additional benefit to anyone else is purely accidental but fully welcome!

Purely fascinated with the happenings of everyday life.

I always wondered how people had time to create these lavish pages with dramatic graphics and pictures when I barely have time to write a note. Even with the invention and then my adoption of my favorite gadget- my blackberry- I still find it difficult to type out a whole email. My thumbs don’t seem to have that kind of stamina. But still, I’m grateful to have the option to text and email while on BART during the frequent delays…or just on a normal morning commute. I find it’s sometimes the only time I have time to do these things….but even then the train often lulls me to sleep. Zzzzzz.

So what’s the topic of the day? It’s Monday, so I guess I’d wanna look at- what’s up for this week? Well, currently, I find that this week is mainly free to do what I want. I’ve got some things already set- a dinner with friends, possibly visiting a different friend, dance class, and a party on the weekend. But that’s a considerably free week for me. I’ve decided I am hearing the call to some domestic duties (and the cry from my bedroom from all the clothes piled on every piece of furniture in there. It’s amazing how great it feels to get some loads of laundry done. But then piles of clean clothes can sit there for days on end sometimes. Then the clean begins to encroach on the ‘not sure if they’re clean’ piles then the mess grows exponentially…. I guess then the laundry isn’t technically done if you don’t put it away…I think I hate that part the most. I suppose this topic could definitely be for a different day haha.) Anyhoo, it’s time for a bit of domestic overhaul. It’s amazing how some people can keep their house so consistently clean during the week. I find that I can barely find time to cook a meal, let alone clean the place and utensils need for cooking a meal. But I need to find time. I think my dishes have been letting out a cry of their own….sigh.